Eight Reasons Your New Year’s Resolutions May Fail…

Eight Reasons New Year's Resolutions (or Goals in General) May Fail and How Yours Can Succeed

Real, lasting transformation is possible when we understand how to work with ourselves, not against ourselves. Here are eight reasons you might not reach your goal and how you can turn things around.

Keep reading or watch on YouTube: How Your Goals Can Succeed

Reason #1: yOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT.

You don't actually want to do it. You want to want to do it, or you want the result but you don’t want to put in the work. This makes me wonder…do you need a different goal? Or do you need to rework your goal so that it's at a level that doesn't de-motivate you. Even if you are reluctant to put in the work, is there anything that can motivate you toward your goal, any inspiration you can find to light your inner fire and drive? Is there anything you can do to make it fun so that you want to do it? If your goal is to get in better shape, is going to the gym the right way to do that for you? Or would getting in shape be easier and more fun if you joined a soccer league or learned to ski or surf or play pickle ball? Can you think about how to achieve your goal in a way that makes it fun?

Reason #2: your goal is too big for too long.

Your goal is too big for too long. “This year, I’m going to…” We all know that a year can go by so fast—but focusing on 12 months to change can easily feel like a slog. Your solution here, may be finding milestones and small wins and rewards. Chunk it down, as they say. Focus on the first small pieces. Maybe that's month one, week one, or day one. Go ahead and create your year-long plan--that's important too--but in the day-to-day, instead of seeing the whole year stretched out before you, you may want to try focusing on the small stepping stones and milestones on the journey and pepper it with some rewards. Instead of “I'm going to lose 60 pounds this year,” what if your first stepping stone was, “I'm going to lose 5 pounds this month.” In just four weeks, you already have a win! if you pop a gold star on your calendar for every day you stick with it, it won’t be long before you have a streak of gold stars, and there is nothing like a good visual aid to help us see how far we’ve come. The more wins you have on your journey, the more likely it is that you'll keep going!

Reason #3: You didn’t plan for challenges.

You didn't plan for challenges. Solution: Plan for challenges! Obviously, you can't foresee every challenge. But, for example, if your goal is to stop drinking and you're invited to a party where you might be tempted, can you sit this one out, or make other plans, or leave early to see a movie? Or can you bring something you'll enjoy that's non-alcoholic? Can you pour yourself a soda water or carbonated lemonade so it looks like you're drinking a vodka tonic? What things might stand in the way of achieving your goal? Plan for the obstacles.

Reason #4: Your goal is framed negatively.

Your goal is framed negatively--ie I want to stop being so lazy. Your solution here is kind words. Meanness and punishment will make any child withdraw. Kind words and positivity will motivate the child. Just because you grew up doesn't mean that you stopped operating this way. If you want to lose weight—and I use that example because it is such a commonly found goal—can you frame it in a way that is rewarding? I want to take better care of myself so that I can do "x" with my partner or my children, or hike that trail I’ve always dreamed of hiking. If you feel like you let yourself off the hook too much, would it help to frame your goal for instance as "I want to develop routines and accountability for self discipline, because I want to trust myself and I want to be trustworthy."?

Reason #5: You are taking something away that is a coping mechanism without replacing it.

You are taking something away that is a coping mechanism without replacing it with something else that is healthier. —This is especially important if you are battling any kind of addiction or addictive-type habit or behavior. Let's say you want to quit sugar, quit coffee, or quit smoking—or stop doom scrolling, or falling asleep to the television. There is a reason you're doing those things. It serves a purpose even if engaging with the behavior isn't healthy or ideal. Know that the thing you are taking away is going to feel like a loss. Get clear about what purpose the habit or behavior serves, and replace it something or some things that are supportive. A phone call. A bath. A pedicure. A pottery class. What feels like a good replacement to you? What do you think will feel good and be reasonably easy to reach for when you feel tempted? Which leads me to the next caveat which is related to this point…

Reason #6: Your goal is to do something you think is hard with no support—or worse, in an unsupportive environment.

You are attempting to do or change something you think is hard with no support—or worse, in an unsupportive environment. Go find community! If you want to read a book a month this year, maybe a book club would be helpful. If you want to stop endlessly scrolling to numb out from a stressful day, instead of just removing an app or trusting yourself not to engage, can you find a meditation group, or find a coach or a therapist to lean on in order to process whatever is going on for you? If you’re dealing with addiction, can you find a good therapist and make some 12 Step meetings in between appointments? Keep in mind that online communities can be great, but they are not a substitute for real in-person connection. We relate and co-regulate as social beings. Can you gift yourself the experience of being with other people who share your interests and goals?

If you find that your current community is unsupportive and more like crabs in a barrel—always pulling the person who might be progressing back down—can you move on with love and find some peers who will raise you up? Nothing is more of a dream killer than being surrounded by people who are constantly judging or criticizing and not able to celebrate your wins and the higher vision you have of yourself. You have to hold yourself in a place of possibility, and you deserve to be around people who raise you up and can hold you in possibility too.

Reason #7: all or nothing thinking.

All or nothing thinking can show up in a couple ways.

A) One slip up on your path toward change equates to full failure, so you throw in the towel on it today or forever.

Instead: Retrain your brain to accept small wins as real wins. “If I can't work out for an hour, well there's no point.” Reality check: Ten minutes is better than zero minutes. “I had one cupcake, so I may as well throw in the towel on this diet for the day. I'll start over tomorrow and eat the rest of the cupcake tray.” Reality check: You can reset right now if you choose to. One cupcake is not failure. You don't have to do it perfectly. You do need to keep taking steps forward though if you want to reach your goal.

B) Another way all or nothing thinking sabotages you is through comparison: “I'll never be as successful as Kristen or as good at that as Michael, so why bother?” We all know what it feels like to want something someone else has or to want to be something someone else already is. But the whip is not a sustainable motivator, and anger and shame will burn you out and demotivate you the fastest of all. Instead, can you think of some ways you can pull yourself back from The Cliff of Comparison to focus on your personal best? Which is a perfect segue to our last point:

Reason #8: You haven’t yet rooted down in the vision of a future you.

You haven't yet rooted down in the vision of "Future You." You don't clearly see yourself yet as someone who can have what you want or change in the ways you want to change. Beginning-of-the-year motivation can feel great! New Year New You! The whole year is wide open for change and you feel super motivated and excited about your goals. What about when you don't feel motivated or you lose motivation? It's your commitment to the goal that will carry you through. Something that can help you renew your commitment or hold yourself accountable when you "just don't feel like it," is deep visualization of how you will be and feel when...

Take time with this. Release any tightness or tense feeling in your body that makes you feel blocked from having what you want. Let it go, shake it out, open your energy up, and visualize yourself having fully made the changes in your life you want to experience. What will be different and better? Accomplishing this goal means you are someone who “X.” What is “X” for you? The vision of future you who has grown and accomplished can be the bedrock of your success.

If you don't want to do this kind of visualization on your own or it feels like unfamiliar territory to you, I've created a guided meditation just for you for this exact purpose. Please find the link below--I hope you check it out and I hope it helps you stick with it, whatever that is for you. You can do this meditation as often as you can to help you stay inspired and on track. Guided Meditation to Visualize Success

Thank you so much for reading—or watching, or listening—and I wish you the very best on your journey.