How to Say You're Sorry (it's more than just words)

Are you here because you're wondering how to say you're sorry but you don't know how? I'm hoping that after reading this you'll feel more empowered to make amends--but I'm also hoping you'll feel more empowered to recognize and articulate when your own needs aren't being met. Whoever thought "sorry" could be so complicated and so…hard?

If you're having trouble apologizing and you’d like to say you're sorry, a good place to start might be to identify for yourself why it's hard.

Why Apologizing Can Feel So Hard

There are myriad reasons this situation might be difficult. Here are some common ones I've noticed: It may be hard to get past your own pride and admit to someone that there is something you're sorry for. It could be hard because you truly feel ashamed of your behavior, and it's difficult to admit that and easier to keep up the facade that the other person is overreacting in some way. You might not expect that the recipient of your apology will truly accept your "I'm sorry" and may actually berate you instead. Or you might be reluctant to apologize because you're not sorry, but to repair the relationship, you think you have to say that you are. Why is it hard for you? If you feel so inclined, take a moment to write down any and all reasons why this is difficult for you right now.

Preparing for a Meaningful Apology

In a perfect world, what would you like to say to this person? What are the consequences if you do say those things? What are the consequences if you don’t say those things? Will you feel better if you say those things? Will the other person feel better—or feel worse—if you say those things? Do those things truly need to be said? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no. What is it for you right now? If you feel so inclined, write it out.

Staying Grounded During Difficult Conversations

Can you now think of a way to say what you need to say without getting drawn in to any dramatics that might present themselves? Emotions can run high, and that's okay, but is there a way you can stay steady, thoughtful and grounded, and show up they way you want to show up? How would you like to handle yourself so that you come away from this situation proud of who you were able to be in a potentially difficult moment? Do you need to write it out? Do you need to grab a friend to practice? It can be helpful to do a role play--stay with me on this--to do a role play where someone you trust who knows your point of view can play you and you play the person you'd like to apologize to. It can bring some clarity around what you'd like to say as you witness someone handle the situation as you. It can also can make things a bit less scary when you watch someone who is less attached to the outcome stay calm in the face of anything you think your person might throw at you in the course of the conversation.

The Anatomy of Apology, Understanding the Deeper Nature

The very need to apologize points to a rift in relationship. What occurred, and what went unmet in that moment when the rift occurred? Sometimes it's an event that happened in a flash, and sometimes it's a rift that has occurred from unmet moments over time. An apology can be just a heartfelt "I'm sorry," but often it's more complicated than that.

Have you ever witnessed parents trying to teach their kids to apologize? It is comically painful! "Say you're sorry." "I'm sorrrrrrrrrrry," says the very angry, not-sorry-at-all child. Do you remember these instances as a kid when someone had to be told to apologize to you? It fell flat, because it was plainly obvious it wasn't sincere—you might have even been angry that you were forced to participate in the charade. You likely noticed some hurt feelings in yourself, because you knew someone had committed an initial offense and now committed a second one by not caring about your feelings enough to apologize meaningfully or possibly even being steadfast in their intent to hurt you.

When the energy feels clear in the relationship again after a rift, it’s because someone recognized that they hurt you, thought about it, said they didn’t want you to be hurting, and reached out to heal the separation. That doesn’t mean any deeper problems magically go away, but a true apology feels good because we feel seen, considered, taken into account, and all this means that our internal experience is important to the other person. Important enough to be taken seriously. Instead of hearing, “I said I was sorry!” what would it be like to hear, “I said I was sorry, but I’m realizing now that maybe that wasn’t enough. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. I see how it probably made you feel small and unimportant. When I get frustrated, I can lash out. That’s not ok and I want to start doing things differently. Next time, I’m going to tell you I need a moment before we continue trying to problem solve. Would that be ok? I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings. I don’t ever want you to feel small or unimportant to me.”

If you’re not sorry, the same values are still at play.

Now, if you’re not sorry, the same values are still at play. I see that this hurt you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. At the same time, I stand by what I said and did for these reasons. Can we come to any understanding about that? This kind of conversation is different from “I’m right, and you’re wrong, and you owe me.” It’s standing by your actions while having compassion for the other person and seeing the other person’s needs.

An “I'm sorry” that lands is one that is sincere and thoughtful, and can not only heal the hurt but can potentially make your relationship stronger.

Can you articulate for yourself what you wish you'd have been able to do differently in your situation? How do you think the other person wishes you’d have handled things? How would you like to commit to handling things differently? Are you then willing to follow through on practicing doing things differently? This is a beautiful opportunity to learn and grow ourselves and to learn and grow with someone else. An “I'm sorry” that lands is one that is sincere and thoughtful, and can not only heal the hurt but can potentially make your relationship stronger.

Our actions are the words people hear.

A true “I'm sorry” comes from a sturdy, responsible place inside. It comes from a taking stock of what our part in something may have been, accepting and acknowledging our responsibility in the rift in relationship, a plan to do better or be better the next time around, and then following through on our plan to do better. The effort toward changing our behavior is the most meaningful ultimately. It’s the difference between an empty apology, one full of pretty-sounding words, and a real apology that tells our loved one, “You are important enough to me that I will do things differently.” Our actions are the words people hear.

When Apologies Keep Coming but Nothing Changes

I've coached many people through this issue based on what was right for them and their situation. I've noticed a common theme though I think is worth mentioning in what I can only call an "unmet relationship," where many people receive an apology and then the same thing happens, and the same thing happens again, and they keep getting apologies, but there's no change in behavior from the other person. What is an apology without change? How does it feel to you when the apology is full of empty words? When we've peered more closely at these situations, we typically uncover a deeper pattern, full of unmet moments and a series of big and little rifts and chasms that have built up in the relationship: "When my partner tells me something important to them, they have my full attention. But when I need their full attention, they're too busy or distracted to give it to me." Or, "I show up for my partner (or friend, or parent) when they need me whether it's little things like picking up the dry cleaning or the big things they need me to help them handle. But when I need help, big or small, there's always a reason they can't come through for me, or worse, they say they will, but they “‘forget.’”

What is our responsibility in these rifts? What is their responsibility in these rifts? Can we treat them better? Can we treat ourselves better? And how?

Moving Forward, How Do We Navigate Hurt

Can you challenge yourself to apologize thoughtfully? What would that take for you, and what would it look like, sound like? Can you accept an apology sincerely and gracefully? Can you trust yourself to know your worth and stand by yourself in what you need when the patterns in a relationship leave you unmet time after time? These are the kinds of issues that come up around this topic, one of how we navigate hurt.

There's no one single way to apologize. We must learn to get comfortable being uncomfortable in a situation to stand by our own morals. If there's something you need to say to someone, my hope for you is that you'll be able to find your own sincere way of saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done differently. I hope that your needs are met in relationship, and the simple fact that you read this article (to the end!) says a lot about your desire to show up for the people who are important to you.

Good luck. I hope this helped even a little. I believe in you.

Ready to Dive Deeper?

Sometimes we need a thoughtful guide to help us navigate relationship challenges, whether we're struggling with how to make amends or dealing with patterns that leave us feeling unmet and unheard. If you're looking for support in having these important conversations or building stronger relationships, I'm here to help.

I offer one-on-one coaching sessions where we can:

- Work through difficult relationship dynamics

- Practice challenging conversations in a safe space

- Develop strategies for maintaining your boundaries while staying open-hearted

- Build your confidence in expressing needs and handling conflict

Book a free 15-minute consultation to explore how we might work together. You don't have to figure this out alone.