Stop Giving Advice (Here’s Why)
When someone in your life is going throug a rough patch or even just talking to you about their problem, do you ever find yourself giving advice? And do you ever come away from those conversations frustrated that your friend shot it down? Maybe they said it wouldn't work for x or y reason, or maybe they said they just didn't want to do that thing you thought they should do. Or maybe they gave the good old "Yeah, mmhmmm, maybe," just to placate you--and you could probably tell. To try to continue to be helpful, maybe you offered more suggestions and you were surprised not to be met with the enthusiastic, "That's a great idea, I'm totally gonna do that!" you'd hoped for. Well…
They didn't want your advice. They didn't want any advice. Period.
This is not to say they don't want to solve their problem. They probably very much do. And it is very likely that you gave great advice and that at least one thing you thought they should do would have been helpful. But let's break this down a bit and give you something to try next time that might feel better for both of you.
When we give advice, we genuinely want to ease the suffering of our loved one, but here is where the signals get crossed and friction gets created. From the other person's perspective, unless they asked specifically for advice, they are wanting to vent the problem and to explore the problem. When you jump in with your well-intentioned advice, you short-circuit this process. Remember, your friend is talking to you because they trust you and they value you as someone they can lean on. From your friend's perspective, unsolicited advice can feel belittling, as though this issue is so easy to handle and they should just do "x." It can also feel like you want them to stop talking, because you’ve given them a solution. It feels devaluing—even if you don't mean it to be, and it comes off as though you know best about their issue and how to best handle it. But you aren't them, and what was right for you or how you'd handle it is particular to you. For these reasons, well-intentioned as it may have been, your advice didn't land for them.
Control your first impulse to give advice, and let that impulse now be a signal to listen instead of to talk.
Most people don't test their relationships by saying, "Hey, when you give me advice I don't ask for, it really feels devaluing." Most people will take the path of least resistance and will simply stop coming to you when they need someone to talk to about serious issues they're experiencing. You may not even notice and think things are fine, but your friend feels that they're only going to be further frustrated by talking to you, so they stop. Now, nothing's wrong with you for having the impulse to give advice--we all feel this impulse! And we can feel it even more greatly when we see our loved one going down a bad path that we know could be avoided “if only they just…” But it won’t land right, because they aren’t you, and they have different strengths and perspectives. To be a good friend or partner or parent, it requires that you control your first impulse to give advice, and let that impulse now be a signal to LISTEN instead of to talk.
Here are some suggestions that might help you the next time you feel the pull to jump in and offer advice…
1. Reflect back what happened and how they feel. “Your co-worker really snapped at you today in front of some important clients, and it was really embarrassing.” This can feel unnatural or overly simplistic at first, but what it does is let your partner know that you heard what they said and understood it correctly. And if you didn’t, they’ll correct you: “Well, yeah, but also absolutely humiliated! It was mortifying!” They’ll correct you and open up more, because you’ve signaled that you’re really listening—which is also a signal that you really care.
2. Ask them what they think. “Wow, that sounds really upsetting. What do you think is going on?” Try to avoid questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no. Keeping your questions “open” here allows your person to reflect on their experience more. “I don’t know. She’s been really stressed out lately, and I get it, but that was really unacceptable and inappropriate.”
3. Ask them what they think might help and/or what they think they'll do—or even what they need right now. Once you’ve reflected back their experience for a bit and asked them exploratory questions, you might want to try: “What do you think could help resolve this for you?” or “What can I do to help?” If your loved one is ready to start thinking about how they want to handle the situation, they’ll thoughtfully consider the question. If not, they might say, “I just need someone to listen.” Meaning, the problem is too new for them to calmly try to solve it in the best way. You’re being a great confidante by allowing them to have the space to talk about it. It’s also possible that if you ask what you can do to help, that they will actually solicit your advice. They’ve asked for it! So now is a perfectly appropriate time to give it in a sensitive way.
4. If you truly have wisdom you think could help, ask them if you can share your perspective or your experience. This is key. Ask if you can share about a time you went through something similar and how you handled it and what you learned. Asking makes your loved one receptive to hearing your experience, and it also signals that you are not trying to tell them what to do. Instead, you’re offering something for their consideration, which respects their autonomy. “…So I wonder if setting a clear boundary would be helpful.” “…So I’m wondering what you could do next time to take care of yourself in the moment.”
I hope you’re able to try these things out. It could really transform your conversations.
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