“Why can’t i just…?” Pt.2

“Why can’t I just…?” - Part II

Hey, again! Thanks for meeting me back here. Where were we…

Okay. If you haven’t found the kind of motivation that has real staying power to see you through, let’s look at this a little deeper.

“Why can’t I just…?” may need a reframe—and an actual answer!

“Why can’t I just” comes from a place of judgement. It is typically asked internally with a tone that implies that something is wrong with you for not getting this thing done. Something is flawed in you for not having done it already. We may feel victimized by this thing we can’t accomplish, and we often think that if we verbally berate and punish ourselves, we’ll be more likely to take action. But really all this does is make us feel bad, or worse: ashamed.

What if we were to assume the best of you? What if we assume there’s probably a very good reason you haven’t just.

Go on a little bit of a partnered ride with me, if you will.

Think of something that falls into this category, where you may be asking yourself this question. Now, take a deep breath with me <breathe> and when you exhale, see if you can release any judgement, and ask yourself truly, why haven’t you? Why haven’t you gotten the website up, or called that friend, or written that novel?

Now, breathe again with me <breathe> and answer your question to yourself honestly. There’s a real answer in there, give yourself the time to find it and be honest with yourself without judgment. Your answer might sound something like: “Because being a beginner makes me feel stupid and that reminds me too much of stuff that happened when I was a kid,” or “The last time we talked it wasn’t good, and I’m afraid to be the first one to reach out,” or “I feel guilty and selfish taking the time to myself to write. And if I did take the time, I’m really worried my writing just won’t be any good, and I don’t know how to get past that.”

Now that you’ve answered your question honestly, can you listen to your answer with deep *compassion for the part of you that wants to delay completion of this task? I wonder now if you can keep that compassion in your awareness, and take a moment to envision (or if you read Part I, re-envision) what it will be like to have that thing done! How will you feel? Close your eyes and really feel it. Is it joy? Relief? Excitement? Pride? It may be one thing, it may be many things. What is it for you? Get a good image for yourself of what it looks like and how it feels. What will it mean for you, and what will be possible for you once it’s done?

Once you have a vivid idea of this, now see if you can come up with one small commitment that will move the needle forward on that project just a wee bit. Beware of all-or-nothing thinking here! It can be very easy to say, “I’ll write the first chapter!” Think small here, thinking small is actually key, thinking small right now is your friend. In the next week, could you for example, write the first paragraph. Watch one YouTube video on the task you’re unsure of? Go through one, single box in the garage? —And not the biggest box.

Then, get the data. What felt good? Was it doable? Did it inspire you to do more? (Did it inspire you and you did too much? Sometimes this does happen and we burn ourselves out too soon.)

Chances are, the thing you feared by taking that first step did not come to pass, but you did notice something about yourself or the assumptions you may have made about the task. If the data you got was positive, how can you keep going in a way that feels right and good? What could the next small step be?

If the data you got was not-so-positive, how can you iterate the next “one small step” in a way that might bring about more positive data? Why didn’t the first way work so well, and can you create a new, bite-sized plan that could?

Keep bringing compassion to any fears or concerns that arise. Is there anything you can to to calm or address them? Hold your vision of the future you created in your mind’s eye as often as you can. Feel the joy or relief or whatever positive feelings may come with progress on your task. What values are behind the importance of getting this done? Time? Relationship? Integrity? Joy? Closure? Forgiveness? Respect? Love?

Reaching for the good will always feel better than the status quo, no matter how small the task. Can you feel that? Let it inspire you to take one small step. And then maybe another.

You can.

~L.

*It is also possible that getting that thing done may include grieving or letting go in some way. We can’t force ourselves to be ready to grieve and let go. It’s okay if you just aren’t ready. It’s also possible that by doing one small thing, you may help yourself on your journey toward acceptance. One first step, may be reaching out for support. What do you think could help?